Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The picture that's missing...

All over Facebook there are pictures dedicated to the first day of school.  It's the time of year parents are rejoicing and kids are complaining.  But this parent right here is wishing I could be the one taking those pictures.  Addison should be heading off to kindergarten this year.

Its been nearly 5 years since I last saw my sweet girl.  Five freaking is that possible.  How is it that I'm missing one of the most crucial points in my little girl's life?  How is it that my chance to put her on that bus for the first time has been taken away?  How is it that I'm not allowed to braid her hair for that all too important first impression?

Oh this month is taking a toll on me.  More than I thought it would.  I recently saw a meme that hit home.  It said something to the tune of when you become a BLM, not only do you lose a baby, you lose a 5 year old, 10 year old, etc.  You lose the milestones, you lose the future, not just the present.  And, good lord, it's a hard reality to face.

Friday, February 27, 2015


Yes, I know.  Its been a long time.  This space was created as a place for me to write down my feelings after losing Addison.  Yes, I have added in some life updates, but I try to keep it about her.  Today is one of the days when the grief hits me like a ton of bricks.  Today, she should be 4 1/2 years old.  How has it been four and a half years since she was born?  How have I survived without her?  Why was I forced to continue without her?

She came to me in a dream the other night.  Well, the little girl in my head is what I imagine her looking like now, but she had changed so much from the last time I dreamed of her.  I can't even remember the last time she entered my dreams.  She's tall and thin, with just a bit of the toddler pudge.  Her hair is long and thick, not as curly but still the natural waves.  Its not nearly as red as previous dreams, but still a hint of that strawberry in her blonde.  As always, I am never able to hug her or even get close enough to touch her; she just smiles and waves.  can I just say that even that sucks.  I know it's just a dream but why won't my subconscious even let me touch her.  Sigh...

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

As the funk returns...

Here it is, a week from her birthday and the funk is coming in hard and fast.  Sigh...  Some days it seems as though the grief is just as hard as it was when I was just days after giving birth to my lifeless daughter.  But, for the most part, life has gotten easier.  But her birthday will always get to me I think.

We have no big plans.  We never do.  I know I prefer to let her day pass quietly, just as she did.  Though, this year, since Joshy loves "birtday cate" so much, maybe we'll have some.

Can I just say this sucks?  I try not to complain too much, especially because I have a rainbow.  He is the true meaning of a rainbow, too, bringing so much light, joy, and laughter in to our house.  But REALLY, living the life of a BLM sucks.  Instead of celebrating milestones, we grieve for what should have been and it's not fair.  And, notice I said "SHOULD have been" not "COULD have been" because, in all honesty, no child should ever be ripped away from it's parents.

But, life as it is, will go on...

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Happy 2nd birthday!

What a difference a year makes!  I have lots of pics to share and hope to be able to write a longer post soon.  Here's the "cake shot" from both years.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The dreaded question(s)

It wasn't until after we lost Addison that I realized how much I hated the question "do you have children?" or "how many kids do you have?" or even "so, when do you think you'll have children?".  Even to this day I hate answering those questions.  And now, there's one more to add to the list:  "Are you ready to have another?".

Those people that don't know our story, that don't know what it's like to live through the death of your own child, a death that, technically, you caused, have no clue.  And, yes, it was my fault.  It was my body's fault, my immune system.  Yes, I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, I KNOW that.  I don't really blame myself for her death, but I know in my heart that it was my body that attacked her.  In 2005, I had 2 life saving blood transfusions.  No one gave a second thought to screening the blood for antigens, it's not common practice in emergency situations; no one could have predicted how life would turn out.

My body attacked Joshua in the same way.  By 24 weeks pregnant, he was very anemic.  Over the next 10 weeks, he received 6 transfusions in utero.  Rainbow pregnancies are stressful without added complications, but this was nearly too much.  So when people say "Are you ready for another?" I just look at them and smile.  They have NO idea.  They don't know that, with antibody isoimmunization, all subsequent pregnancies are usually worse than ones before them.  Babies tend to be more affected by the antibodies, often a lot earlier.  Transfusions are very difficult to do at early stages and most doctors won't do them before 19 or 20 weeks simply because it's too hard to get a needle in to the umbilical cord.  There is another transfusion procedure where the blood can be put in to the baby's tummy, but it's not nearly as effective.  The transfusions themselves suck.  Not only do they come with some pretty high risks (blood clots, severe bleeding, uncontrolled contractions, early delivery, fetal death, etc), they are just plain nerve wracking, uncomfortable and, at times, painful.  Imagine a 6-8 inch needle being plunged in to your uterus after only having a topical/local anesthetic (usually lidocaine, though some docs will actually do spinal blocks; mine didn't).  Sometimes, the first attempt is at the wrong angle, so they have to withdraw the needle and try again.  Once the doc is at the right angle, they then have to get in to the umbilical cord and into the vein without going through it.  Bear in mind, the umbilical cord is not stationary.  And, if you've ever cut the cord, you know just how tough it is.  Not only that, but if the baby hasn't been sedated, he or she can kick or pull on the cord, knock the needle out of the cord or anything else you can imagine.  Joshua was famous for pulling the cord just as the doc got the needle in.  Needless to say after the first transfusion, the docs sedated him without hesitation.  For the most part, my transfusions went very smooth.  There was only one time I was brought to tears.  Right in the middle of the transfusion, my uterus contracted.  It was a very powerful contraction, almost as bad as active labor.  I was so sure something went wrong...but it didn't.  And, I have a healthy baby to prove it.

But do I want to go through all that again?  More than likely, the answer is yes.  We have always said we want 2 (living) children.  But am I ready?  For another kid, yes...for the stress, I'm not always so sure.  So, if I just smile when you ask me "are you ready for another", try to put yourself in my shoes.  Its not easy being in those shoes, trust me. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A New Memorial Piece

A few weeks ago I was contacted by Everlasting Memories, a website that provides cremation and memorial jewelry.  A representative contacted me because they thought my blog would be a good fit for their jewelry.  I happen to agree.  The pieces they offer are beautiful.  In fact, I ordered one of their photo engraved pieces ( and it turned out beautifully.  As soon as I can, I will post a picture.  I sent one of the few pictures I have of Addison and the engraving is just perfect.  It's very subtle, which is what I wanted.  I can't say enough about it!  I do promise to update this post with a picture soon.  In the meantime, please check out their site.  You can use the link here or find them listed under the "Resources" page at the top of the blog.

Thank you again to Everlasting Memories for creating such a beautiful piece, I absolutely love it!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Three and a half years

Yesterday marked another big milestone in your life.  3 1/2 years have passed since you left our lives so quietly.  It passed quietly, just like you.  Momma's been very busy with your brother, since Daddy's away, but that didn't stop me from thinking of you.  Some days it amazes me how fast time has gone by.  In the beginning, just after you died, time felt as though it crawled by.  Grief clouded everything, including time.  I walked through fog for that first year.  When people say grief gets easier, for the most part, they are right.  Grief is always there, but over the years it changes.  It's no longer always the first thing on my mind.  Life has gone on, just as I knew it would.  But I still miss you.  I still wonder what kind of person you would be today.  I love you baby girl.
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